Between Order and Randomness

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2007-06-24T18:12:00.000+08:00

http://spunky-renegade.livejournal.com

:)

Then and Now

2007-06-17T21:07:00.000+08:00

I was in Fully Booked yesterday with some of the Bfast Club folks and we wound up going to the children's books section while waiting for our rides to go home. I haven't stepped foot in the children's books section of any bookstore in a long loooong time. Out of curiosity, I ventured over to the young adults section to see what the popular series that kids today were reading. While Sweet Valley and Babysitters Club books used to dominate the shelves back when I was younger, Gossip Girl books and A-list (?) and other books of that sort fill the shelves now. Two thoughts popped into my head.

1. Ohmygod am I -that- old?

2. What a shame that they never got to read the series I was hooked on before.

On the first thought: I've been noticing more and more these days how kids today are clearly not in the same generation as me and my other friends. We grew up listening to Spice Girls and the Backstreet Boys; they're growing up listening to Avril Lavigne and Ashlee Simpson. We grew up watching the Power Rangers, Captain Planet, Magic School Bus, Boy Meets World, Ghost Writer, Popular and Charmed; they're growing up watching Totally Spies, Kim Possible, The O.C. and One Tree Hill. I suppose it's just natural and expected. After all, I can't expect time to just stand still. I'm sure my older siblings and cousins thought the same things I'm thinking of now when they reached the point when the generation gap and age difference were too glaring. (I still remember my sisters talking about Ricky Martin back when he was still in the Menudos and my brother talking about Voltez 5 and the Transformers.) I don't have a younger sibling so I don't feel the difference as much but when I do encounter my friends' younger sibs (or hear stories about them), that's when I realize that damn we are getting older.

On the second thought: Books were a huge part of my world when I was younger. Sure, they're still important now but other things have reached the same rank as them now that I'm older. When I was a kid, a trip to the mall would never be complete without going to National Book Store (back when Powerbooks and Page One and Fully Booked were non-existent). I remember buying the latest Sweet Valley and BSC book that was coming out that month. I wound up collecting over a hundred BSC books -- and that's not even counting Super Specials, BSC Mysteries, and BSC Autobiographies. In retrospect, it was somewhat foolish to have bought so many of these books (think of how much my BSC collection is worth monetarily!) when the story line revolves around the same thing and is somewhat trivial but at age 10, these things were far from trivial and the idea of 13-year-old babysitters was just the coolest thing ever. I'm sure a lot of kids today would enjoy reading them the way I did. I'm lucky to have had older sisters who loved reading as much as me so I was able to read some series that weren't even in print anymore at my time like Girl Talk, River Heights, and The Gymnasts. Gossip Girl isn't exactly something I think 10-year-olds should be reading but it's just an indicator of how society is changing and how kids today are growing up faster than they should be. I hear stories about 13-year-olds making out in the pool in Fontana and see some grade seven ICAns wearing clothes of the latest trend and probably seven layers of makeup and it just amazes me really how different things were then and now.

But going back to books -- one thing I was happy about was finding one section devoted entirely to books by Roald Dahl, Judy Blume and Beverly Cleary. In fact, two of my favorite Judy Blume books there were still on sale -Just As Long As We're Together and Deenie. These three are authors whose works I love and would want my kids to read in the future. Hopefully, they'll still be in print by then.

***

Australs is pushing through so I'm flying back to Singapore on June 26 to train with my teammates for a few days before going off to Malaysia for the tournament proper. I'll be coming home on July 14 though so I still have roughly two weeks in Manila to meet up with friends and spend time with my family before going back to Singapore for the semester. As much as I'm happy that Australs is pushing through, I was somewhat bummed that I had to give up the Smart internship. Then again, there'll be plenty of summers to do internships and a free trip with friends and the high a debate tournament offers is always great.

***

There are three get-togethers I had last week that deserve a special mention.

First, I got to meet up with Roxanne (twice!) after not seeing her for almost six months. It was great to reunite with my debate best friend and comforting to know that some things never change. I may not talk to her that often when we're in school, but every time we do get a chance to meet up, it's almost as though we just saw each other the other day and the conversation flows naturally -- no pauses, no awkward silences, just two old friends catching up and laughing like old times. It was also reassuring to talk to someone from Manila who studied abroad who had similar experiences and concerns as me.

I also got to meet up with Ms. Pe and Ms. Lim last week. After a year out of ICA, I don't see them as teachers anymore but as older friends who would always be there for me -- for support, for advice, and for good laughs. It was the first time the three of us girls managed to be out on our own (Fred was always there before haha) and the conversation we had over dinner was the kind that could go on and on. It's rare for me to have this kind of conversation with people and all I can say is, that's the beauty of being on the same wavelength.

Lastly, I got to meet up with the Breakfast Club again. From gossiping with Elle in Ateneo to crashing, pigging out, bonding and camwhoring at Stace's house to playing with the rabbits and catching up at Barbs's house to meeting old friends in Promenade to reminiscing about crazy high school memories and laughing about teachers and old jokes (Think: Arms forward raaaaaiiiise! and Greek Meeeeeth. ResponsiBEL. Bleees. Hahaha) in CPK and Bizu, I am confident that the Breakfast Club will last beyond university life. Mom was right -- your high school friends will be your lifelong true friends. :)

***
Hurrah, I've gotten rid of my writer's block!

When Time Stops

2007-06-02T00:38:00.000+08:00

The phrase "catching up" was coined to help friends who haven't seen or talked to each other for a long time get reacquainted. In order to catch up, however, you need to "freeze time" partially because otherwise, how can the process of catching up work?

That's how I've been feeling the past two weeks here in Manila -- as though my time has frozen. My old friends have all got their own lives here and when I do get to meet up with them, time stops and we rewind back to where our lives once intertwined -- to the past: of high school days in ICA, of debate days in IdEA and World Schools, and so on.

While I've never been happier to see familiar old faces, I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness at the idea that our lives currently don't intertwine. I may tell stories from Singapore but then they're filled with unfamiliar, no-face names and soon-to-be-forgotten details. It's not that my friends wouldn't care, but that's just how some stories go. Unless you're in that particular situation or you're acquainted with those people, then you're more likely to forget them. And the same goes for me as well. Much as I'd like to remember the new names and new stories, I'd most likely remember the ones I personally know or am familiar with.

This saddens me because it feels like I'm in limbo once again. Neither friends from home nor friends from Singapore will understand this limbo state (unless friends from home studied overseas as well). Add having dinner and dessert with two sweet couples plus not being in contact with certain people from Singapore plus the late night and you've got yourself a recipe for the feeling of loneliness.

But I refuse to let this feeling override. There's always a silver lining. The glass is half-full. (And all that other psychobabble.) I should make the most of my time here because it will be another five months of separation again when I go back to Singapore. And the fact that this problem exists just means that I've expanded my social circle to include Singapore in it.

And above all, I should be happy that at least I've still got friends here who may not completely understand everything but are willing to try and clearly show that effort. Time allowed itself to stop for a reason. The past filled with silly encounters, never-ending laughs, arduous experiences and colorful moments was strong enough that time is willing to stop in order to let the once intertwined lives of these friends catch up with one another.

Post-exams + Indonesia + last day in Singapore

2007-05-22T10:47:00.000+08:00

Life after Exams

It was moving out, going out, eating a lot, then training training training for AUDC.

Destressing after training...by taking pictures.

Check out how many Economist issues are on the table.

The day before we left for Indonesia, I finally got to catch up with my two favorite gals, Kaypee and Esther. I'm so gonna miss this wonderful girl. Can't believe you won't be in hall anymore next year dear. Who am I gonna make soup with and talk to randomly in the middle of the night?

Kaypee, Me, Esther in Food Republic in Wisma

Then it was off to Indonesia! After a loooong delay at the Jakarta airport (cause we had to wait for SMU grrr) and a damn long 5 hour bus ride to Bandung, we made it to our hotel. Thank goodness it wasn't as bad as we imagined it to be.

The view from our balcony: overlooking the pool!

The bedroom Sarah, Kaypee and I shared

Cultural Night/Opening Night

The boys in the suiiiiiite

NUS Debate Team

Saqib in the seedy internet cafe (where "high speed" means 10 minutes for the Yahoo logo to pop up and where you slowly die of secondhand smoke)

Taking public transpo

NUS A and NUS C while waiting for the buses for the octo-finals

Celebrating that NUS B got into semis!

At the Thai restaurant

Before Closing Ceremony

This looks like a family portrait.

With some of my favorite Ateneans

Vishal, Mark and Alex are runners-up in the Finals.

One tipsy and sketchy drinking session, one long stuffy bus ride and one plane ride later and we're back in Singapore.

I met up with Chars after unpacking at NYDC. I miss this girl so much :) It was so nice to be able to catch up with her after a year of not seeing each other.

The next day, I meet up with some of my faves from hall.

Lunch with Hianyi at TCC.

I convince him to get a free manicure with me at the Sony booth :D

At the MRT station with Charles and Adrian.

And finally...

On the car ride to Changi. Thanks hianyi for dropping me off at the airport.

Caught the sunrise.

A long queue at check-in, goodbyes, immigration then a mad rush to catch the plane.

Hello...goodbye.

Full Circle

2007-05-02T18:07:00.000+08:00

So many things I wish to blog about but I couldn't do so in the past few days given that my Macbook is still under repair. I hate how laptop-dependent I am now. It's not that I need to surf the web or go on MSN 24/7 -- it's just that I need to know i CAN do these things and that reassures me. Well I suppose having my Macbook die is a blessing in disguise. It reminds me that books are as good a source of entertainment as watching TV shows is; that talking to a person face-to-face is far better than talking to them over the computer.

***

Having finished exams early this semester, I was able to get a few days to bum and go out of hall. Funny how the places I wound up going to were places I went to in Sem 1. Back then, these places were filled with not-so-good memories of Singapore. SMU reminded me of the scholarship I gave up and of the happy, familiar, and comfortable life I could have led. Nathan's condo used to be a haven, a refuge from the loneliness I felt in hall and from being away from home. Changi airport reminded me of the high hopes I had of Singapore, of the idealistic and naive Jen that landed in Singapore back in July. Amaryllis Ville in 20 Newton Road reminded me of a time when 4 sad girls were ranting about life in Singapore. Ten months later, I came back to all these places, chuckled quietly in amusement of the bitter, lonely me that once visited these places and smiled inwardly at the person I've become. If there's one thing I learned this year, it's that one's outlook on life matters a lot.

Today, I moved most of my things out and I couldn't help but feel a huge tinge of sadness. Again, it's funny how I used to hate hall and everything it represented. I know I'm just going home for three months, but I'm gonna miss hanging out in people's rooms till the wee hours of the morning, going for a run around Kent Ridge Park, cooking soup and talking about love and life, Uncle Vincent's suppers, early morning bleary-eyed breakfasts and MSG-filled dinners in the comm hall. I'm definitely gonna miss a lot of people as well most notably Hian yi, Esther, Charles, Qijun, David, Ming feng, Adrian. Some of them are still gonna be in hall next year; some will move out, graduate and head on to the next phase in their lives. It's sad -- sometimes I wish I had more time to get to know some of them but I guess I should be happy for the few months I got to know them.

I remember how I once detested having to go through bridging year but in retrospect, I now appreciate having this one year. Had I not gotten this year, I would have made a lot of wrong decisions and would have had no choice but to live with them. It's not very often that people get second chances...and I'm getting a chance to redo everything and make sure my four years as an undergrad in NUS will go regrets-free. :)
I'm looking forward to going back to Manila -- to a land where I feel safe amidst the constant turmoil of events, to a land that's familiar, comfortable and simply home. I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends who I have not seen for almost five months and sharing with them stories and experiences from Singapore But most of all, I'm looking forward to going back feeling whole and complete. Finally, the Manila Jen and the Singapore Jen has reconciled.

frustrated.

2007-04-26T16:23:00.000+08:00

It's an urge to bang your head on the wall, a never-ending insomnia that makes you toss and turn and forbids you to sleep peacefully, a constant need to listen to tear-jerking sad songs, and a losing battle against self-control. It's a dam of emotions that's on the brink of bursting.

Help somebody? :(

focus

2007-04-20T08:30:00.000+08:00

"Do not waver, come what may / Save indulgence for another day."
-- excerpt from "Quandary", by my dearest friend Anne Lagamayo :)

I'm gonna keep running this line in my head. That means stop thinking about useless nonsense and just think matrix algebra, physics and econometrics. 7 more days and I'm free (at least until the clutches of debate take me).

Things always have a way of turning out okay. Just keep that in mind and you shall be fine. A flurry of inspirational quotes suddenly rushed into my head but it is 8:30 am and I must now take a bath before I go and lock myself up and study the whole day.

I miss home. :( I can't wait to start bumming.

The Blur of a Weekend

2007-04-11T19:32:00.000+08:00

This weekend was a break from my usual studying-in-the-library-coupled-with-an-afternoon-swim routine.

Friday kickstarted with a healthy home-cooked lunch (brown rice + beef with broccoli...finally, something not MSG-filled) at my sister's boyfriend's place along South Buona Vista Road. Hian Yi and Cheryl picked me up afterwards and we headed to Jurong Country Club to study.

I realized that I am so much more productive without a laptop and Internet. Seriously. When all you can do is study, that's really...what you do. Seriously. I should stop studying in Wifi-enabled places. Internet (and all the things that go with it: surfing, chatting, blogging, etc) is too big a distraction.

Using Cheryl's new pretty pink camera

With Cheryl and Hian Yi

I had dinner with Charles in the fancy Swensen's in Vivo City that night. It was a nice change from the usual Ginza Hawker and Clementi Hawker that we've frequented over the past few weeks. I'm starting to get sick of hall food, hawker food, MSG-filled Chinese food. Gah. Chicken baked rice and ice cream fondue was a nice way to break the routine. We got a pretty table by the window but silly me forgot to bring my camera. Note to self: always bring your camera...you never know when you're gonna get a nice table with that kinda view again.

I spent the whole Saturday with my sister and Ben. We explored Little India and ate Nepalese food! I love how Ben keeps taking us to these kinda restaurants. Anyway, we wound up going to Sim Lim Square to look for techie stuff for Ben.

Ben

Sisters :)

Went home earlier to get some studying in and then headed out again to meet up with my sister, Ben, Nathan and his new girl. I thought I'd feel like such a fifth wheel but dinner went surprisingly well despite a couple of irritating things before that. Pizza was good and company was even better. Ms. Lim is right: I am born thirty. I was the only teenager in the table....everyone else was in the 30ish age group. It was good to see Nathan again though after not seeing him for almost two months. Mental note: must remind self to make dinner plans with "foster dad" and kaypee.

Spot the third wheel.

THe happy couple

Nathan and Gwen

I woke up Sunday morning feeling awfully happy. It's been a while since I've had that kinda morning: no snoozing, no groaning, no thoughts of the tiring day ahead. Instead, I woke up smiling and eager to jump out of bed and start my day. Perhaps I had a nice long sleep or maybe cause it was Easter morning. Whatever it was, I'm not complaining.

For the first time this year, I went to Church. The last time I went to hear Mass was during Christmas Eve....which was a long, loooong time ago. Anyway, stepping into Church after a long time made me feel somewhat at peace. Not that I'm on the way back to being a devout Catholic (which I should be given that I DID go to Catholic school for 13 years) though. For now, I'm taking things one step at a time and I just felt at peace being part of a community hearing Mass together.

Went to Music Library afterwards which is where I've been holing up for the past few weeks studying. Hian yi tried freeing a bird trapped inside the Music Conservatory --- he gave up after a while. It just kept flying straight into the glass and not out the exit he tried leading it to. Sigh. Got a lot of work done that afternoon though. I love productive days. :)

Hian yi helping the bird get out

Bird refusing to fly out.

Running buddies turned into study buddies

Met up with Manila friends (or...well, I guess you can consider them friends: Fred, Ms Pe, Ms Tan) in Vivo City and had dinner at Thai Accent. I bumped into Michi and Erika Ayroso who happened to be visiting Singapore that time as well. Went to Sentosa after with them and caught the light show from a distance. Took a walk along the beach by myself and realized that i really really missed the beach. Sigh. The beach bum in me is crying for sun, sand and surf.

Bumped into Michi and Erika in Vivo City

With Maddy Pe :)

Pretty fountain show

Fireworks!

Emo

2007-04-09T18:54:00.000+08:00

Listening to emo songs first thing in the morning is a bad start to the day.

Woke up at 7 am to do laundry and proceeded to wake Hian yi up for breakfast. What was supposed to be a quick 10-minute chat about each other's love lives (or lack thereof?) turned into a two hour session about LDR difficulties, possibly unrequited love issues and tricky murky stages of a BGR aided by Steve Jobs's Front Row remote control and emo songs.

Waiting. If anyone knows me, they'd know I can't stand it. I always have this need to know. Not having answers just makes me go nuts....which is kinda how I felt today. I was just so distracted the whole day. Absolute unproductivity. Only time I was actually not thinking was when I was swimming. The beauty of exercise.

Hopefully, I can get work in tonight and make my mind more powerful than my emotions.

Damn Murphy's Law

2007-04-03T15:10:00.000+08:00

Instead of answering the physics problem on the website, I chose to tinker with my Mac cause I was restless. I wound up restoring all my settings to default. Brilliant. For a moment, I thought that all my files had all disappeared but they were still around in one folder. Phew. Still though. I'm damn irritated and frustrated at myself. I still have to figure out how to go back to the old settings (if that's even possible). If not, I gotta start from scratch. GRRRR.

Murphy's Law is right. Whatever can go wrong will go wrong. Ughhhhh. I want my streak of bad days to end :(

Think of Me

2007-04-02T15:39:00.000+08:00

Think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye
Remember me once in a while please promise me you'll try
When you find that once again you long to take your heart back and be free
If you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me...

We never said our love was evergreen or as unchanging as the sea
But if you can still remember, stop and think of me

Think of all the things we've shared and seen
Don't think about the way things might have been...

Think of me, think of me waking, silent and resigned
Imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind
Recall those days. Look back on all those times. Think of the things we'll never do
There will never be a day when I won't think of you...

From the Phantom of the Opera

--

Updates: Phantom, Mugging and Burgers

2007-03-31T13:15:00.000+08:00

I caught Phantom of the Opera last Thursday night. It was absolutely amazing and breathtaking. From the intricate crystal chandelier to the bluish-green mist covering the candlelit phantom's lair to the hair-raising operatic voice of Christine Daae and the haunting spine-tingling voice of the Phantom and the sweetly strong voice of Raoul to the LSS (Last Song Syndrome)-worthy songs, Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical and the Lunchbox Theater Production's performance truly TRULY made my second musical a beautiful and unforgettable experience.

I am currently in a Phantom phase. All the songs are stuck in my head and I keep humming along to the theme of the play.

Esplanade theater

One of the sets (the only shot I managed to sneak in)

With Stace and Kaypee

Filipino and Thai Singapore Scholars 2006

--
After the play, we took a walk along the route by the bay from Esplanade to Fullerton Square to Raffles Quay. It's one of my favorite routes to take in Singapore. Very very ro___tic. It's no secret place. There were so many couples doing couple-y things along the benches but like most other couples, they didn't really care so much.

If there's one thing I love about being in Singapore, it's the independence I've got. I'm not just referring to the I-don't-need-to-ask-permission-from-my-mom kind of independence -- it's that plus the I-don't-need-a-driver-or-a-car-to-get-me-around mobility and the it's-that-safe-that-i-can-actually-walk-around-at-night-and-not-get-scared-of-being-raped-or-kidnapped feeling.

Favorite view of financial district from Esplanade

Fullerton Hotel

Collyer Quay (I think)

I can't wait to go back to Manila to be with my family and friends, but I'm not looking forward to getting used to the lifestyle back home. Not that I wouldn't mind having maids again and not having to do laundry or clean my room -- it's more like the hassle of having to ask permission every time I go out, having a curfew, having to fix transportation issues and all. If only Manila were as safe as Singapore and if only its public transportation system was quite decent.

I was talking to some Singaporean friends about the lifestyle back home and it only struck me then how pampered and spoiled my lifestyle seems back home. By Manila standards, I definitely do not consider my family to be extremely wealthy nor do I think I'm pampered or spoiled. It just seems like it compared to the Singaporean lifestyle. We've got maids, our own house, 3 cars...which seems luxurious to the average Singaporean. After all, this is the country where cars are expensive, where HDB flats and condos dominate over houses, and where stay-in maids are luxuries.

--

My free day, Friday, was extremely productive. I went running and swimming then rushed for a quick breakfast and a shower then proceeded to spend the whole day studying in the library. Got stuck in the rain for a bit during lunch after my debate exco meeting and had to hide out in the shelter of the bus stop while waiting for Hian Yi to come save me and my Macbook with an umbrella. Funny how the umbrella served to protect the two Macbook babies and not us. Never mind if we got wet, as long as the Macbooks were dry.

Student companion websites are awesome. Seriously. I felt like I learned more from the website than from my Physics lecturer. I'm starting to enjoy Physics again now that I'm finally understanding the concepts.

--

I had my first lazy Saturday today! My last few Saturdays have all been booked by debate -- NCS, Dorothy Cheungs, and AUDC tryouts. I was...unproductive today. But hey, it's fine since I spent yesterday studying and I'm gonna be studying the whole day again tomorrow. I met up with Chaya and Neil in Ginza for lunch and finally FINALLY caught up with them. Even though they're both in JC and I'm already in Uni, it's nice to know that some things don't change. The ICA-Xavier connection is amazing really. Oddly, it rained a bit in Ginza but when I hopped on the bus to go back to hall (note: bus ride takes about 5 minutes), it was bright and sunny along Heng Mui Keng Terrace. Weiiird. Got back to do my laundry and almost got stuck in the lift again. I swear, I now have lift phobia. After getting stuck in it for about a minute (the longest minute ever), I'm scared of getting stuck again.

I went out again to accompany Charles for lunch in the afternoon and wound up hanging out and Friendster-facebook-stalking and comparing our standards of beauty and attraction. Conclusion? We just both don't have the same taste in guys and girls. Funny how afternoons can fly by so quickly by talking. I swear, that's how my time runs out these days -- I'm a sucker for good conversations.

I finally FINALLY got my juicy burger craving satisfied. Kaypee, Charles and I went to Vivo City and ate at Carls Jr. The burger was great to eat in the first few bites, but Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility soon kicked in. Halfway through my burger, onion rings and iced lemon tea, I was feeling somewhat sick. I managed to finish 3/4s of my burger though. Any more and I would have thrown up. Bleh. I actually felt a bit nauseous after my combo meal...it's been a while since I've consumed that much grease, oil and calories.

When we got back to hall, Kaypee and I went for a long walk and just talked and talked while the burgers digested in our stomachs. What was supposed to be a quick 30-minute walk turned into a 2-hour stroll. Again, time, time, time.

Okay, hair is now dry and I must now retire and sleep.

Reasons to be Happy

2007-03-29T10:46:00.000+08:00

Roughly an hour to go before math lecture. I've finished my tutorial already (well, HALF of it at least) AND I don't have physics lab anymore! I never have to take a physics module or have a lab session EVER AGAIN and that, my friends, is reason enough to celebrate. Lab in high school was tolerable merely because of my favorite lab mates and all the gossip-kiss-and-tell sessions we'd have. Oh, the carefree days of high school. The Xygenz batch just had their graduation and grad ball recently and looking at pictures and blog entries on Multiply made me all nostalgic that I couldn't help but dig up my own grad and ball pictures.

ICA Graduation 2006

ICA Grad Ball 2006: With my best friends, the Breakfast Club :)

I feel so bloated and fat this week that I've increased my exercise load given that my work load is relatively free (no more debate training on Tuesdays and Thursdays, no more lab!) I did the usual run/swim routine with Hian Yi on Monday and swam with new swimming buddies last night and this morning. Went with Kai Juan to the pool last night cause the heat was just killing us and went with Esther this morning so she and I could finally go swimming together. I did 12 laps each on both sessions because I'm lazy like that. Sigh. My stroke is all wrong and I'm hoping Saturday morning's swim session with Neil and Chaya will help improve it. Tomorrow till Sunday will be swim/run or plain swim sessions. I'm beginning to get addicted to exercise. Endorphins really really help. Plus I get to sleep better which is always ALWAYS a good thing.

Speaking of sleep, I had the WEIRDEST dream (nightmare?) yesterday while I was napping after my Econometrics lecture. I dreamt that I was in Zouk with my friends from hall and get this: my mom and dad went clubbing with us. *shudder* Imagining my parents drinking, dancing and *horror* grinding is just plain disturbing. The weirdest part of the dream was that my gums were bleeding to the point that my whole mouth was full of blood and my teeth were blood-stained.

March is quickly coming to an end and it'll be April in a few days. I just realized that I've always spent a part of my summer (well, summer by Philippine definition is March/April/May) in Singapore for the past two years. Two years ago, it was to visit my sister who, at that time, was still working here. That was a horrible vacation as I was entering my teenage my-family-is-controlling-me-too-much rebellious phase. Last year, I came for a scholarship interview at SMU and also to visit my sister. A lot of things happened in those two summers that contributed significantly to who I am now. They weren't happy experiences -- in fact, I remember breaking down and crying incidents both times I was here. (And if you know me, you'd know that I rarely RARELY cry so if I do cry, then it must be something big.) One thing I've learned from those experiences is that you make mistakes, and life DOES move on, and you do get over those things. At that time, the world might have seemed to come to an end, but guess what -- the Earth goes on turning and turning, and you'll see that things usually turn out okay in the end. Things may not go as planned, but it's fine - it gives you an opportunity to think on your feet and figure out where to go from there.

Singapore: May 2006 - With Jayme, one of my fave SMU friends :)

Singapore: May 2005 - At Bugis with my mom, dad, and then still single sister

And one last reason to be happy -- my sister is coming to visit her boyfriend for a week so I get to see her on Tuesday! Can't wait to catch up with her :)

With Achie on Christmas Eve Mass

insomnia.

2007-03-26T06:59:00.000+08:00

It's 7:03 AM, it's raining hard, and I've only slept for 2 hours. I got up half an hour ago to pee, started to toss and turn, toss and turn, until I couldn't stand it anymore and I got up because I couldn't stand the restless feeling. I've got a lecture in 5 hours and I really wish I can sleep but I can't so I choose to blog.

Last week was fun, erratic and frustrating all at the same time.

Fun because of new friends, late night conversations that last till the wee hours of the morning, coming up with crazy ideas like the X-rated version of Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs (Naughty, Sleazy, Pervy, Flirty, and 3 other names I can't remember right now...you get the picture), condom-related conversations, new running buds and long everything and nothing conversations, camwhoring, dressing up and fancy parties, drinking and alcohol, property-sighting and evaluation and plans of skydiving, bungee jumping and hang gliding.

Erratic because of sleeping at 4 AM, waking up way past into noon, 2 AM fong seng suppers, instant noodle craves, early morning showers, and 4 round of debating for tryouts.

Frustrating because of politics, disillusionment, nostalgia, and loneliness.

***
Photos of the week:
SHollywood: Sheares Hall Dinner and Dance 07

Crystal Ballroom

With Adrian

Me, Kaypee, Esther

The boys: David, Charles, Qijun

With Ming Feng

Charlie's Angels

***

I'm going home on May 19. Friends, that's 1 and a half more months. Can't wait to see you all :)

Exhaustion.

2007-03-21T17:24:00.000+08:00

7:30 AM.
Wake up. Go down two floors. Wake Hian yi up (not an easy feat). Go back up. Change into swim wear and running gear.

7:50 AM.
Hit the road. Jog to the pool via PGP route -- i.e. go up the slope, reach pgp, go up another slope, swing through NUH, go down to science, then up another slope passing by University Hall, the tennis courts, YIH before reaching SRC. Unable to finish the route cause of bloody stitch on the side by the time you hit Science. Walk to the pool instead.

8:00 AM
Swim 8 laps of freestyle straight on a pristine Olympic-sized pool in icy cold water. Pause and take a breather then swim 8 more laps.

8:45 AM
Get out drenched and quickly throw on running shirt, shorts and shoes and jog back to hall.

9:00 AM
EAT. Two soft-boiled eggs + bread + lots and lots of soy milk.

9:30 AM
Shower. The water soothes your aching body.

10:00 AM
Prepare for tutorials and lessons.

12:00 PM
Lunch with Esther. Girl talk. Nuff said :)

1:00 PM
Econs tutorial. Sat next to two guys who kept making fun of the girls who were, admittedly, quite bimbotic. But still, I feel the indignation of someone belittling the ability of fellow females.

2:30 PM
Back to hall. Talk to Kaypee for a bit.

3:30 PM
Hello, bedddd.

4:30 PM
Realized that the alarm clock has been snoozed TWICE. Drag myself out of bed and stumble out the door and head for the bus stop.

4:45 PM
Reach YIH and meet with Alex and talk to him about some concerns.

5:05 PM
Round 1 of debate training

6:30 PM
Quick dinner

7:00 PM
Round 2 of debate training

9:30 PM
Round 3 of debate training

11:30 PM
No more buses. Walk back to Sheares. Grab supper.
Talk about a lot of stuff. Feel bad about politics and unfairness.
Idealistic self gets massively disillusioned and disheartened by a couple of realizations.

12:30 AM
Back in room. Tried to sleep. Couldn't. Wound up writing. Catharsis.
Felt a bit better but still bothered.

Today.

Woke up and still disillusioned. Wondering what to do now.

So.

Physical exhaustion brought about by maybe too much exercise.
Mental exhaustion brought about by the usual school routine + 3 rounds of debate + hyper think mode.
Emotional exhaustion brought about by PMS and hormones.

Yup.

I'm tired.

The Weekend and the PIle of Thoughts that Came Along with It

2007-03-19T01:05:00.000+08:00

My weekend started off with surprising Kaypee at midnight on her birthday. I managed to round up a couple of folks to come up to the Block D rooftop and wish her a happy birthday.

Kaypee cutting her cake.

The folks who came to wish Kaypee happy bday :)

I woke up Friday morning at 7:30 for the usual running/swimming routine Hian Yi and I have fell into. This time, we ended up in McDonald's after the swim. Ahhhhhh sausage mcmuffin + orange juice is love. Breakfast is really the best meal of the day. I've always had good memories associated with breakfast: Sunday family brunches, Pre-CAT Friday morning breakfasts at Jollibee with the Breakfast Club, 2-hour-road trips on the quest for the best breakfast food out of the city, and hotel breakfasts with friends and family.

I'm starting to miss Filipino breakfasts :( I hate the breakfast food here in hall. While I've always been a fan of fried rice, I can't stand the MSG-drenched taste. I miss Mom's fried rice cooked in extra virgin olive oil and filled with the best ingredients: Chinese sausage, ham, eggs, green peas, onions and lots and lots of garlic. I also miss Rodic's tapsilog, Pancake House food, corned beef, spam (mah ling just doesn't cut it) and garlic rice.

We celebrated Kaypee's 19th birthday in Cafe del Mar. I've heard people rave about it so much that my expecations weren't met to their fullest extent. The place itself is nice -- Mediterranean-inspired, at a prime strategic location and with a great chill ambience. It had lots of little pools, beds, lounge chairs and even a pool bar for the total chill-on-the-beach-on-a-hot-summer-day kind of feel. My problem with Cafe del Mar was the horrible music they were playing that night. I was looking forward to hearing some chill ambient Spanish Bossa Nova kinda music. Instead, what we got was techno, trance, techno all night long. Sigh. Drinks were decent although pretty watered-down (but then again, it's the same everywhere) and not too pricey. Company was great and it made the horrid music more bearable.

Jacuzzi

Pool

View from the beach

Charles, Jen, Stace, Kaypee, Ryan

I miss my best friend :)

Clarence, Kaypee, Ryan

Stace, Charles, Jen

Walked back to Harbourfront from Sentosa and passed through a very ro_ _ _ tic (romantic without the man -- thanks Jo!)route. We passed by the Merlion, in its huge and domineering glory, the Musical Fountain, and a bunch of other stuff that I wasn't quite sure of given that it was pitch black and we only had faint lamp posts, the moon and the stars to guide our way. I got to take some great shots of Vivo City and the Sentosa Boat terminal from the Sentosa side this time. I got home at 4 AM and pretty much crashed into bed. It's been a while since I've stayed out that late and an even longer time since I've touched alcohol. In spite of my independence, Singapore -- its steep prices, strict rules, and all -- has kept me in check. Either that or I've outgrown that phase in life.

View of Vivo City from Sentosa

Caught Pursuit of Happyness Saturday night at Plaza Sing. It was a great inspiring movie that evokes emotions and makes people connect to the movie. Hard work is always important, but the circumstances you are born into matter a lot. Watching the movie made me realize how fortunate I am to have lived a relatively sheltered and comfortable life. It made me wonder how I would have handled the situation if I were Chris Gardner in the movie. I'd like to think that I'm a hardworking and determined person...but in the face of seemingly hopeless circumstances, would I have garnered the same strength and determination that he had given? Or if I were the kid in the movie, would I have been as mature as to understand and bear the life that he was forced to lead? Maybe not. But then again, human beings are made to adapt. You learn to deal with your cirumstances and you wind up changing (either for the good or the bad) when faced with a new set of circumstances.

Lots of other thoughts in my mind but too sleepy to write about it. Will find time this week to unload the pile of thoughts.

Hodgepodge

2007-03-14T22:03:00.000+08:00

I've been such a major klutz this week that I'm beginning to get annoyed. I keep hitting walls, kicking shoes accidentally, and spilling food. Awhile ago, I almost fell down the steps on the bus. Talk about a lack of poise. I seriously hope I get my sense of balance soon because my body can't stand any more bruises or scars.

***

Interesting sights of the day:

As I was walking along Bukit Timah Road coming from the Law Campus in the hopes of catching bus 151, a Caucasian dad passed by me. He was jogging (and damn was he fit!) while pushing his kid on the stroller. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. I wonder how the baby felt going at such an accelerated stroller pace.

I also saw another Caucasian in business attire climbing a fence. Enough said.

***

Dorothy Cheungs came and went and it was absolutely tiring. Like any other debate competition, it was one of those tiring-yet-absolutely-fulfilling events that made crashing into bed a welcome and sweet treat. Wee Jian, Vignesh and I didn't break (only 4 teams could break) and it sucked that we missed break by 2 places. Oh well, there's SMU Hammers and AUDCs of course.

NUS B: Me, Vignesh and Wee Jian

NUS C: Daniel, Chi Hoong, and Kaypee

NUS Debate Team in Pizza Hut

5 girls squished at the back of Daniel's car

***
Caught Music and Lyrics last Friday night at Vivo City. It was soooo cute. Sigh. Hugh Grant is love. It's one of the better chick flicks/romantic comedies of this year. I'd say it's as good as The Holiday (which I really loved as well).

Experimented with my new camera and took some shots of Sentosa from the third floor balcony of Vivo City.

Sentosa from Vivo City

View of the bridge

Vivo City from the third floor

***
I've been eating and eating like crazy this week. So much for the no supper/no eating after 9 pm rule. I've had supper TWICE this week and had ice cream and chips and cookies all week long. I even had McDonald's breakfast this morning. Okay fine, so I swim and run so technically I'm not gaining any extra calories. Maybe I should start adopting Len's policy. I work out to eat.

I went running and swimming three times this week though and twice of those were done at 7:30 AM. Nothing like starting your day on the right note. I love the pool temperature in the early morning! Immersed in icy cold water, I could just stay in the pool and soak in the morning sun. Swimming is therapeuthic. When you're in the pool, the rest of the world gets drowned out by water and you're immune to all thoughts and actions except for your stroke. Pull, stroke, breathe. Pull, strok, breathe. Before you know it, 12 laps are over and it's back up to reality.

***

Of Childish Idiots

2007-03-08T17:36:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I cannot believe how stupid some people are. What person in his right frame of mind calls someone up, tells her that he's going through some major emotional problems that he ABSOLUTELY needs advice on from you, wakes her up from her nap, urgently tells her that he HAS to see her NOW and then starts pouring his soul out about his new girl who apparently has all the qualities you didn't possess and who he's putting so much effort on which he has never done before for any other girl including yours truly?

Seriously, what kind of a person has a brain the size of an infinitesimal speck? Are some people really that tactless, selfish, insensitive and idiotic? When I called Kaypee up afterwards, she told me that I should've walked away. I didn't because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of being affected by his childish antics. I acted nonchalant and just plain emotionless about it. But of course, I'm human and I wound up ranting like crazy to anyone who would listen to me over dinner.

Last night, I told Adrian about it and he said that this was something you wouldn't expect to happen to you. These are the dramatic things you see in movies or soap operas. Although a part of me was pissed off by such cruel behavior, a part of me was also amused and even glad to have experienced it. At least now I've seen the true colors and I'd know better. You make mistakes, you pick yourself up, you learn from them and you move on.

Special shoutout to all the guys in the dining table who patiently listened to my tirade and backed me up. Thanks to Adrian for offering to beat him up for me. And special thanks to Hian Yi, my running/ranting buddy (because those two seem to be going hand in hand these days) for highlighting the fact that all boys are smelly, that all girls are stupid and that this stupid girl should smell harder.

----

Apart from that short soap opera stint, this week has been fairly good especially in comparison to last week's. I patched things up with a good friend and that is always one of the best feelings in the world. I got to see Last King of Scotland last Monday night after weeks of postponing and cancelling movie dates. I also got to run and swim and I didn't feel that tired afterwards which means that my stamina has improved! I also got to strengthen relationships with new friends in Singapore as well as old friends from home. Thank you Skype for your amazing free technology.

Math midterm results turned out much better than expected, and Econometrics midterm is finally over. I felt pretty good about the test -- thanks to the days and late nights spent isolating myself in Sheares Library. I will not step foot in said library until Reading Week.

I just finished my Physics take home test (thank you Ming Feng for the help!) and after a math lecture, a math tutorial, a physics tutorial and debate training, I'M FREE. I can't wait to go to Suntec tomorrow to buy my new camera.

The week of unfortunate events

2007-03-03T19:36:00.000+08:00

It hasn't been the best week for me. Actually it kinda sucked. You know the feeling of waking up and wishing the day would quickly pass so you could go back to sleep and be in sweet oblivion for a few hours? Yup, that's how I've felt all week.

The bad luck started kicking in Saturday night. I was tired from NCS, but I felt like running that night. I haven't ran in a while so I was looking forward to it. I messaged Keith and it turned out that he wanted to run as well so...we ran. I couldn't keep up with him because he was damn fit and fast. Moreover, my nose was runny and my head was so stuffy and I was feeling somewhat weak to the point of feeling light-headed after coming down a hill. After one round around campus, I told Keith I wanted to head back and he accompanied me back to hall and I got back to my room and showered and thought about how nice it would be to collapse into bed and end the day.

I was about to sleep when I suddenly felt thirsty. I got out of my room and stupidly forgot to put a door stopper. Never mind that though -- after all, my door wouldn't be locked right? WRONG. For some reason, my door was locked (and no, we don't use keys to open our doors...we use our school matriculation cards) and I stood outside my door in disbelief, wet hair, ratty clothes, glasses and all. I go down and tell Keith what happened and we try to figure out how to get my room unlocked. Colin, the RF was already asleep (this was around 1 AM) and I didn't want to wake him up cause that would be really rude. Keith attempted to climb up to my room but I refused to let him do that because I didn't want to be the reason for his possible death (or permanent spinal injury or whatever). In the end, I just decided to stay up, study and wait until Colin got up. Luckily, some of my books were left in the Sheares library and so I headed there and tried to study for Statistics. Keith was nice enough to keep me company and we decided to go to McDonald's to eat and study instead. So there we were walking to McDonald's at 2 AM in the morning in ratty clothes, lugging around school books. We camped out there till around 5 am and went back to hall. After much argument, I eventually agreed to sleep on Keith's bed while he slept on the floor. Gah. I felt majorly guilty for that. Colin finally unlocked my door around 8:45 AM and I crashed into bed and slept for a few hours before studying for the math midterm.

Math midterm wasn't that great. I love math and I just hate it every time I don't ace a test -- especially when I've studied hard for it. Multiple choice for math is just...absurd. Never mind your solutions, never mind if you guessed your answers -- in the end, it's only the final answer that counts. Sigh. I don't think I did horribly, but I don't feel like I've aced it either. I screwed up on one number that was so easy and that ticked me off a bit. Careless,careless.

I was also horribly sick this week. I was battling colds, cough, headache and an overwhelming feeling of physical weakness. Being sick meant that I couldn't run which bummed me out.

I thought after those two events, the week would pass by relatively smoothly. Well, to be fair, there were fine points in the week. I got to catch Little Children with Song last Tuesday night. Watch it -- it's a good movie. I liked the simplicity of the plot and the way the movie was filmed. Chinese New Year dinner in hall was good too. Steamboat, camwhoring and hall spirit and all.

But the fine points were hardly enough to overcome the horrible feeling of saying goodbye to a pseudo-relationship that admittedly was going nowhere and to getting into a horrible misunderstanding with a really good friend. Cold shoulders and silence treatments on both ends (the giving and receiving end) suck big time and can drain one's spirit. Silence is beautiful sometimes. But it also has its dark side: it can wreck relationships as well.

When you're on your own in a foreign country, you realize how alone you are when things go horribly. I was feeling homesick all week. I wished that my mom would be around to take care of me. I wished that I could be in my room, under my covers, content with the knowledge that my family and my friends are there for me. I have friends here but nothing beats the familiarity of friends and family who know you inside out.

Let's hope that next week becomes much better.

Quick entry before mugging

2007-02-26T22:26:00.000+08:00

Headaches can disappear with food, gossip and lots and lots of talking.

Thank you Kaypee, Ying Hwee and Charles -- you have saved me from feeling horribly sick. Of course, you've also made me unproductive for the last two hours.

Math midterms was ... so-so. How, oh how, can math midterms be MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTIONS?

Sigh.

I can't run cause I'm sick. I can't swim cause it's that time of the month. I crave exercise (esp after those Krispy Kremes and lemon squares) :(

Oh Manila. When will I get to see you again? :(

For Amusement's Sake

2007-02-22T09:15:00.000+08:00

Here's a snippet of yesterday's amusing conversation:

After swimming at the pool with Itt.
Itt heads to the male changing room.
Jen heads to the female changing room.
She emerges a few minutes later after putting on the same clothes she wore before entering the pool over her bikini. Her hair is untangled, but wet.
She hangs out by the pool steps and admires the really, really nice view of teamNUS male swimmers.
She wonders what's taking Itt so long.
After ten minutes, Itt emerges out of the changing room in jeans and a red shirt with a red cap.

Jen: Did you shower there?
Itt: No, I was drying my hair.
Jen: .... You were DRYING your hair?? Is there even a hair dryer there?
Itt: (makes a hand gesture of drying his hands) No, I used the hand dryer.
Jen: I swear, you are way girlier than me sometimes.

---
I've been either in the Sheares Library or my room for the past few days. Yup. I've somewhat formed a schedule already. Wake up, eat breakfast, check mail, shower, go to the library to print/photocopy stuff, run errands, lunch, Sheares lib to study, swim, dinner, Sheares lib to study, back to room to do some reading, sleep. Midterm breaks are good :)

Spent the Chinese New Year holidays over at Newton with Stace. Best friend bonding sessions are love :) We wound up pigging out A LOT. My favorite night is when we were hanging out at the pool around 9 PM and then Stace suddenly had a craving for Lay's Potato chips. We then embarked on an adventure to hunt for the nearest 7-11 along Newton Road. Mind you, we just came from the pool, so wet clothes and stringy chlorine-smelling hair galore. No Lay's in 7-11 so we bought Pringles instead. Proceeded with a girly bonding session in their living room that was mildly interrupted by text messages and MSN conversations.

Home is where the heart is

2007-02-18T00:40:00.000+08:00

It feels weird not to be eating Dad's yummy fried misua and roast chicken for dinner on Chinese New Year's Eve. It feels weird not to be sitting around the family table, laughing with my siblings and parents, teasing one another, and talking about each other's day. It feels weird not to be going to bed knowing that in a few hours, my mom would be slipping an angbao inside my pillow. It feels weird not to be home

.
The Ong Family (++) on Christmas Day
(L-R: Top--brother-in-law, sister, me, sister, bro's girlfriend, bro
Bottom-- mom and dad)

They say home is where the heart is. But what happens when your heart is torn between two places? Where is home then? Six months of living in Singapore has made me start viewing this city as home...but at the same time, I also feel that Manila will always still be home.

Sometimes, when I'm here in Singapore, I feel like I'm different from the Jen in Manila. Why do I always have a hard time reconciling the two? Somehow, when my two worlds collide and overlap, I feel a clench in my heart. I want to be both persons in the same body and mind, but I can't. Can the two Jens really not reconcile? Or is it because the Jen in Manila is a figment, an ideal I hold on to, a past version of me that I have frozen? The next question that comes then is: why am I clinging on to a me in the past?

Is it because the me of the past is my link to home -- that without it, the connection would be severed, that people would not know how to relate to a slightly different me, or worse, that -I- myself wouldn't be able to relate to some people.

Stace and I were talking on the bus ride two nights ago about how the lives of the different members of the Breakfast Club, our high school gang of friends, were moving in separate paths. Entering college really is a turning point, more so for us ICAns because we had gone to the same school for thirteen years. Everyone in the Bfast Club seems to be having their own lives in college -- Elle, Barbs and Coco are in Ateneo, Gots is in UST, Sam and Bea are in LaSalle, Noey's in Canada and Stace and I are here in Singapore. Even though the gang doesn't hang out as often as we used to before in high school (imagine -- we were classmates, groupmates for projects, lunch buddies, and so on...you get the picture), it's nice to know that every now and then we (or at least the ones in Manila!) still meet up to catch up. It's also comforting to know that every time Stace and I go back to Manila, the whole gang comes together to reunite and for a few beautiful hours, we are transported back to how things were in high school, laughing over the silliest things, gossiping over everything and everyone, and sharing our most private thoughts and problems with the group of friends that we grew up with, that knows us inside out. Every time we meet up, it's reassuring to know that in this fast paced, changing world, some things don't change. I can't believe that I'm not gonna see the gang until mid-May -- that's three more months from now.

The Breakfast Club
Here's to late night sessions of doing IP, to sleepovers where we always wind up sleeping, to kiss-and-tell, to Jollibee breakfasts, to CAT memories, to Grat, to formal Christmas dinners, to all our Gerry's Grill reunions, to all the proms/balls/debuts, to bonding, to the past, to the present, to the future, to our lives.

--
Chinese New Year's Eve started with lunch with Kaypee, Stace and Clarence at Crystal Jade. It was Xiao Long Bao madness. Ahhhhh. Craving for xlb satisfied, finally. Grabbed gelato afterwards in the Taka food court. Sinful. Mmmm.

I was invited to dinner by my host mom that night. As the cab driver drove past her street, I was amazed by the row of beautiful houses that I passed. I'm so used to seeing HDBs and condos that I'm always surprised when I see houses -- actual ones with yards and two stories and gates and all. Dinner was scrumptious -- traditional steamboat and lots of finger foods. I ended the night by going over to Caca's place in Tanglin and hanging out with the SMU Pinoys.

--
I woke up this morning to let the maid in Stace's flat and proceeded down to the pool for a morning swim. I swam 10 laps -- which isn't really much, but I was able to do 7 laps straight at least. I never realized that my endurance is increasing and it makes me happy cause I only started running a month and a half ago. I'm planning to join the NUS biathlon in March. Omg who would've thought I'd turn into an exercise addict? I just love the rush of endorphins and the tired but fulfilled feeling of crashing into bed at night.

--
I like starting new years on the right foot -- and I had a chance to get rid of the old and bad three times this year already: during New Year's, my 19th birthday and now Chinese New Year. Third time's the charm. Hopefully this year goes well for all. :)

Swirling Thoughts

2007-02-15T22:40:00.000+08:00

Kaypee and I started giving themes to the months of 2007. January was the month of chance encounters -- filled with random meetings and fateful introductions that led to the start of better friendships. Heck, I went to KL on a whim 5 hours before departure with some of my Thai friends and exchange students and I wound up having a constant Friday lunch buddy. A conversation over breakfast led to me having a running and now swimming buddy. Breakfast conversations and physics problems led to me having a good friend who becomes my human alarm clock and meal buddy as well.

February is the month of swirling thoughts because the events of the past few weeks have been utterly confusing and messy that you will wind up thinking and thinking and having long heart-to-heart conversations with people. I remember Ms. Lim telling me the process of friendship between a guy and a girl: things are clear at first, then they become murky, and then they clear up again.

Things were clear. Then murky. And now finally they're clear again.

Valentine's Day may not have turned out the way I wanted them to, but I'm still glad that certain events (and non-events!) took place. A year ago, I was sad that I didn't have someone to spend Valentine's with. This year, I'm glad that I chose not to spend it with anyone apart from my good friends. I realized that it would be meaningless to spend Valentine's with someone you didn't care about and with someone you weren't truly madly deeply in love (or in like!) with.

While I was swimming awhile ago, all the thoughts in my head were...swirling (no pun intented). It pissed me off because swimming used to be my Zen activity -- I used to be able to shut out everything and think of nothing and just listen to my breathing and the cool sound of water. I hated hearing all the thoughts in my head screaming, begging to be overanalyzed and pondered upon. Eventually around the 6th lap or so, I finally decided to stop ignoring them and chose to process them. So I did...and I felt so much better after. Sometimes, you just have to be alone with your thoughts and just be OKAY with being alone with them. I finally get that now.

Sometimes, things don't go your way and that's okay. They happen for a reason. I'm not completely devastated that things aren't the way I hoped for them to turn out. If anything, part of me is actually happy -- now I've got a whole new game plan to figure out. Sure, there will still be moments of nostalgia and sadness ... but life is life, and we're supposed to grow and move on.

---
On a lighter note, I got some Valentine's gifts from some friends. Itt gave me a heart shaped balloon when we met up for lunch the day before Valentine's Day. Got a paper rose thingy from Hian Yi and Milano cookies from Kaypee!

--
CNY coming up soon. I've had 2 pre-CNY celebrations to date. Pictures of the past 2 weeks to come up soon.

Life vs Love

2007-02-05T10:47:00.000+08:00

I miss my best friend. This photo was taken on my 19th birthday dinner. I seriously wish Newton and Clementi were five minutes away from each other rather than being an hour away (by bus). Or that SMU and NUS were ten minutes away from each other. Sigh. Stace, let's go for Xiao Long Bao SOON okay? I need my Crystal Jade fix.

--
LIFE VS LOVE.
Stace and I were having a long YM conversation about life and love. It got me thinking and I'll throw this question back to all of you. Which would you choose -- life or love? (By love, I mean the romantic, cheesy, sappy boyfriend-girlfriend, Jerry-Maguire-ish-you-complete-me kinda love.) Take the case of long-distance relationships. I've always been against them because being in an LDR holds the two people from truly living their lives in the different places they're in. You can never live your life fully in that place with someone tying you down. Relationships take work (no kidding) and lots of time so inevitably, the time you could be spending establishing your life in the new place would be spent on keeping your relationship intact.

But if you look at the flip side and think about the commitment and the devotion LDR couples have, you can't help but feel a sense of admiration and respect for them. It's definitely not easy and the fact that you can place so much faith on something shaky and seemingly unsustainable is astounding. It's a brave decision to invest so much in something that you're not even sure will work out. Well, I suppose that logic applies to almost any relationship but long-distance relationships are different. With normal relationships (sounds wrong, but I can't seem to think of any other way to describe it), your two lives merge and your worlds collide and intertwine. That's not necessarily the case in an LDR. In an LDR, you have two different worlds and it's not as easy to merge the two. You will inevitably try living in both worlds and the time and energy is divided between the two. Which brings me back to the subject of LDR couples and how it's amazing really that they can choose love over life. Relationships involve sacrifices and you know that it's love when you can make these kinds of sacrifices.

(And no, Kaypee, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. Hahaha.)

--
I woke up today feeling incredibly happy and bouncy. I just feel...light and trouble-free. I let go of some things over the weekend and it feels good to be free. It's a big burden off my back. I was seriously stressed out the past two weeks. Mental exhaustion is horrible, but emotional exhaustion is the worst. At the end of the day, all you want to do is collapse into bed and fall asleep -- because at least you don't have to care so much when you're asleep.

I met up with Itt after Math lecture for ice cream to discuss about our relationship qualms, our plans for Valentine's (dinner with friends), other people's lives and our academic concerns. This semester, I felt that my friendships with people have been growing stronger. Perhaps you just need to get past the initial stage of getting to know one another and eventually you settle into a nice groove with them.

Itt. Kid at heart but wise beyond his years. Relationship qualms listener and weekly lunch mate. Also a budding chef who inspired me to start cooking. Photo taken at the Old-fashioned Kopi Tiam in KL.

After meeting with Itt, I went to Vivo City where I checked the price of ... breast pumps...for my pregnant sister. Seriously. It was kinda embarrassing to be going around the baby stores and to see the smirk on the saleslady's face when I asked if they had breast pumps. I wonder if the people thought that -I- was the one who needed them. I so do not look pregnant. I wound up splurging on some basic tops in Forever 21 (khaki and white spag, white and dark grey long sleeved tees) and a pair of black heels from Charles and Keith. Spent around $70 which is pretty decent considering I got a lot of stuff. Felt incredibly guilty though on the way home but I figured that Mom gave me extra money for my birthday and it was a birthday treat for myself.

Just finished watching CMB concert half an hour ago. Cheryl, you are one rocker chick. That's all I can say. Some people made my heart melt and made Kaypee drool uncontrollably on the inside. Teehee. Listening to "Kiss from a Rose" made me sad though. I always attach people and memories to songs and I suddenly remembered something that I was trying to push away. Oh well. Things come, things go -- it's a fact of life.

Hindsight

2007-02-04T22:40:00.000+08:00

I am finally happy with myself.

That thought suddenly hit me in the middle of a long conversation at the Sheares lobby with Kaypee. I'm finally okay with myself. It's been a long time before I've said that.

Despite all the crazy events of 2006 and the 2-week dramatic stint of 2007, I'm still happy with who I am and the person I'm starting to become. Ever since I was a little kid, I've always wanted to grow up too fast. Even though people tell me that I've always been mature for my age, I never really felt that that was enough. Somehow, I needed to do more and more "grown-up things" and make "grown-up decisions". Coming to Singapore and living on my own has definitely helped me grow up. And no, growing up is not just about cleaning your own room or doing your own laundry. It's about making your own decisions knowing that there is absolutely no one around to stop you. It's about living with the decisions you make knowing that mom and dad won't be able to bail you out if you make a mistake.

Apart from decision making, growing up is also about forming your own principles. 2006 was a year where I felt that I had absolutely no direction. I remember an assignment in English class at the start of senior year in 2005 when Mrs. V asked us to create our own life road map. I remember drawing an intersection and a girl stumped by so many paths in front of her. Crossroads. My rut went on for the whole year of 2006. I simply just didn't know where to go and what to do with my life. It was ironic because I was the last person people expected to be direction-less. I didn't know which college to go to then, which course to take, let alone what I wanted out of life, period. There were simply too many options in front of me and I just couldn't decide.

I used to be afraid of making mistakes. But after going down a few wrong paths, I finally realized that there is absolutely nothing wrong with making mistakes. As much as it sounds like a cliche, it is true. You need to do things to know what you want and don't want. That line sums up what I learned in 2006. You shouldn't regret mistakes, but you should learn from them.

I appreciate the home, the people and the culture I've left behind more and more the longer I stay here in Singapore. I used to gripe about how conservative the Philippines is, but I now fully appreciate it after living in pseudo-liberal Singapore. A year ago, I was dying to leave Manila and all the things I was displeased about back home. I wanted to go to Singapore and just look forward and forget about the past. Six months of living here made me realize the importance of looking back.

Hindsight. An indicator of growing up, as Ms. Lim says.

And now, I will stop writing about this because this is starting to sound like a high school reflection paper. On to more trivial stuff.

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HALL LIFE

Messing around in Adrian's room. According to Adrian, Hed Kandi and coffee do not go together. He gave me some awesome new house/chill music though. I am sure his girlfriend will not like the fact that 2 girls were in his room. Hahaha. The way we took this pictures was so funny. Adrian was acting like a mad photographer! "A little to the left! Fantastic! Hold it, hold it!" We took like, ten shots or something using the self-timer and all of them turned out butt ugly. P.S. Look at Adrian. That's how someone looks after stressing over his Honours Thesis for Chemical Engineering. This is the first time I saw him after what, 3 weeks of him hibernating in his room?

Ming Feng, Kaypee and I in the Comm Hall for Sheares Supper. I used to think supper was dinner but it means otherwise in Singapore. Supper is equivalent to a midnight snack here. The supper in my hall is the best! The fried rice and the chicken naan are awesome. Plus, they've got Iced Milo with whipped cream. Ultimate calorie-fest. Ming Feng is one of the nicest people ever. My human alarm clock (to wake me up for breakfast every morning --- cause eating breakfast and waking up early increases your metabolism!), my Physics go-to person (Gauss, how I despise you) and Mandarin tutor (pressuring me to order my food in Chinese so doesn't work, you know!)

The view from my room in the 5th floor. I face the courtyard (duh). Sheares is actually pretty to look at at night time. I hardly open my blinds though because I hate the sun streaming into my room (and I so do not like people seeing what I'm doing in my room). But yeah. It really is pretty to look at.

My bed finally faces the door. Thanks to Hian Yi for unscrewing my bed from the headboard. That sounds totally wrong. Hahaha. Winson laughed like crazy over dinner when I told Ming Feng about Hian Yi unscrewing my bed. For the record, unscrewing my bed = using a screwdriver to get rid of the screws that connected the headboard to the mattress frame. There are also two pigs in the headboard. Why? My mom asked my sister to bring them for me because it's gonna be the year of the pig and I need them for luck. Lol. Thanks Mom, it's thoughtful of you :) Hopefully, this year will be a lucky year for me.

My cluttered desk (and Kaypee using my Macbook). See that black paper stuck on the board with Post-its on it? That's a product of Kaypee's thoughfulness (a rare moment -- hahaha kidding babe). She had some hall friends sign it for my birthday. The rest of the photos tacked up are pictures of my favorite folks from home. Bottom left shelf is filled with school stuff. Instant coffee is in one corner to feed my caffeine needs. Speaking of which, I really should stop drinking coffee. I didn't drink coffee today and I wound up napping despite my 12 hour sleep today (oh, the joy of not setting my alarm!). I am seriously experiencing coffee withdrawal symptoms.

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WEEKEND

I spent Friday night bumming in my room. A rare event really. It's been a while since I had a Friday night to myself and for once, I was more than happy to stay in hall and just relax. I wound up doing zero work and opted to chat with Ying Hwee (the girl staying across me). Girl talk is always fun. I helped her and small Chris make sandwiches for the Handball team after and then Kaypee called asking me to meet her downstairs at the lobby. Clarence and Ryan were there, but Clarence's folks picked him up when I got down, so I wound up hanging around the lobby with KP and Ryan til 1 scarfing down Famous Amos cookies and talking about totally random stuff.

I woke up early Saturday morning to judge for the NUS Challenge Shields, the debate competition for secondary school kids. Let me just say that Sec School kids are ADORABLE. They are so cute in their uniforms. The Raffles Institution (RI) boys even had striped green and silver ties and blue blazers with the RI seal that reminded me of Slytherin. The ACS(I) boys had matching ACS ties as well. Some of the boys were such cuties too (pedo instincts hahahaha) -- makes me wish I had a little bro. The Nanyang Girls were ever so adorable in their pristine white uniforms too. I wound up chatting with the Sec 1 girls in the bathroom and I couldn't help but feel...I don't know...jealous of their naivete and youthful glee. I asked them how they found debate and one of them eagerly told me, "Well if we didn't like it, then we wouldn't be here now, would we?" That's the way debating should be. It should be because you love it. Debating at the uni level is just filled with politics that it disheartens you at times.

Jayme and Amira were at NCS so it was great seeing those two and hanging out with them at the coffee shop downstairs after every round made the day more bearable. I wound up leaving the campus around 7:30 PM and then went to Far East to help a friend shop. Went to Cel's birthday party at their flat afterwards and then went home to do the one thing I looked forward to the most: sleep.

I didn't set my alarm and I wound up waking up at 12:30 PM. 12 hours of sleep. I so needed that. I cooked myself some eggs and desperately wished that I bought bread to eat. Who craves for bread? I was too lazy to go out so luckily, Kaypee brought me back some bread on her way home from Church. Napped again later on in the afternoon in the middle of reading my Stats book (like normal distributions and probability is SO cool) and woke up to a text from Ming Feng telling me to go down for hall dinner. Ate a light dinner, then went back to change and then went with Kaypee to Nathan's place to meet up with our "father" in Singapore. We had dim sum in Lau Pa Sat and as usual, had tons of fun talking about our lives and hearing Nathan's advice. It's nice having a father figure of some sort while we're here. Riding in his car is an added bonus.

The weeks are just zooming by like crazy. I can't believe it's February already. Valentine's and Chinese New Year are just around the corner. Midsemester break is in 2 weeks hurrah!